white poison industries

If any of you know me, you know that my two favorite bands are Tool, Black Label Society and Mastodon. Mastodon filled the void left between Tool albums. And you also know that I’ll travel a bit to see them.

So, a while back, I started to troll on Mastodon’s forum. Most of the time, I really don’t have that much to contribute to the conversation, but I like to keep a watch on potential collectibles for sale, etc, etc.

A while back, a kid posted a thread about how he was done seeing Mastodon live. Essentially (and I’m totally paraphrasing here), he was tired of the band not looking like they cared when they played live in his home town and how he thought that they didn’t play like they did on their albums.

Now, being a musician who’s taken the stage and sat in the studio, this got me going. So much so, that I actually posted a comment back on the thread.

I believe my bullet points were as follows:
1. He, like most of the folks on the board, would never have a chance to play on stage or tour.
2. He would never create anything that anyone, beyond his mom, would ever listen to or pay money for.
3. His bumpkin-ass, backward town was lucky to have bands roll through and in doing so, there are probably 47,000 other places they’d rather be.
4. No one forced him to go to these shows or to be a fan and if they “failed” in his eyes, it was on him to stop being a fan. If he wanted to be critical, then it was on him.

I believe I summarized my statement by insinuating that most of these people probably never step away from the ongoing basement Advanced Dungeons and Dragons marathon they’ve been a part of for the past x number of years to really socialize in a way that didn’t make them seem like absolute ‘tards and that if they were so defiant in not wanting to be fans of a band like Mastodon, then they should just go back to spinning REO Speedwagen at the safety of their mom’s apron. I believe I also acknowledged that I was about to get kicked off the board and they could all go suck on an elephant’s toe.

Then, I got kicked off the board by a moderator. Apparently, my comments were seen as being “threating” and that could be when I had told the kid that if I ever saw him at a show, I would do the jail time for kicking in his teeth, just for the opportunity to reduce the world’s weasel population by one.

Oops.

In the meantime, the kid had found my email through my profile and decided to continue the conversation. It went a little something like this…and to be honest, I’m a little ashamed of how far this went. I really to have better things to be doing with my time.

FormerMastodonFan: Hey man, you really were talking some messed up stuff on the board back there. Mastodon sucks live and they should play more like they do on the album. I bet you don’t even play good. HAHA, now you ain’t on the board no more.

Me: First off, you’re an idiot and I’d keep my promise of whipping your ass in a parking lot, if it ever comes to it. Sounds like your mom should have beat you a little more when you were young. She probably just feed you cookies. Second, if you don’t like how a band sounds live, don’t go to the shows. This proves you’re an idiot. Do you even know what goes into making an album? Lots and lots of takes. Thats why the music sounds as good as it does. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have better things to do. Hope you are enjoying your mom’s cookies.

FormerMastodonFan: I paid nearly $50 to see that show. All I’m saying is that they should care more. Plus, don’t talk about my mom. She is a strong woman.

Me: A strong woman that should have been you for being a weak individual. Maybe routine beatings would have made you a better person. Depending on how conveniently this could occur, I’d be more than happy to beat your ass on Wednesday evenings, but I probably don’t live anywhere near you, so that’s out of the question. And by the way, I certainly wouldn’t want to perform if front of you either. You were probably crying like an Eastern European at a Michael Jackson concert.

FormerMastodonFan: Screw you! Screw you! Screw you! Have you ever even been to a Mastodon show? It’s nothing like a Michael Jackson concert.

Me: Uh, we’re apparently done with this conversation. You stopped making sense a while back. I don’t have this kind of time. Enjoy the Mastodon forum. Maybe you’ll meet someone nice who will also enjoy your mom’s cookies. If you contact me again, I’ll run your email through Facebook, figure out where you live, take the time off of work and find you, just to give you that beat down that you’ve been needing all of your life.

He followed up with two more emails. I never responded. I think I had made my point pretty clear. Also, I’m a man of my word. So, I figured out he lived in Ohio and took a couple days, loaded up the chopper and headed east. When I got to his neighborhood, I found his house pretty easily and his mom answered the door, with an apron and a big plate of freshly made cookies.

“Lewis, you have a friend. I think he wants to play baseball with you. He brought a bat.”

She offered me a cookie. They were delicious. Lewis turned out to be a chubby 22-year-old with a bowl cut. Instead of beating him with the bat, I gave him $50 bucks and told him he might be better off living in the fan-crazed world of the Backstreet Boys upcoming reunion. His mom commented that she used to love Backstreet. I let the kid off the hook and headed back home.