white poison industries

Poor ol’ Jimmy. He’d been waiting for them $trick9 boys to come ’round again and play their music. In fact, he’d been waiting a long time.

See, ol’ Jimmy thought the Winter Formal was too fancy for a bumpkin like him to get all dolled up and take his best gal out on the town for an evening. Besides, when she started naggin’ him ’bout it, it was early January and he was in full critter-wrestlin’ mode.

Ol’ Jimmy had been wrestlin’ critters for about as long as critters were around to be wrestled. He’d taken down elk and woodlawn badger and even a mountain lion once in western South Dakota. (As a side note, the mountain lion was extremely sick at the time Jimmy wrestled it, but according to Jimmy’s sister, Maggie May, he wrestled it fair and square.)

Well, Jimmy had heard about another critter-wrestlin’ contest up in the Dakota Dunes being held two days before the Winter Formal and figured it would be his way out. He could win a jackpot of money and take his best gal out for a REAL night on the town…one that incorporated his favorite things…beef jerky, go-kartin’ and rifle shootin’.

Well, little did he realize as he signed the liability forms at the arena that he was about to go face to face with the critter of all critters…a young bear.

Now, most people know it’s a fact that you don’t wrestle mature bears or bear cubs. Wrestlin’ a full grown bear is just plain stupid and hog tyin’ a bear cub is cruel. Even the most strappin’ of critter-wrestlers won’t touch a cub.

The best time to wrestle a bear is when they’ve hit their adolescence. The bear is most easily confused and still has an element of playfulness to it’s wallowing behaviors.

For those of you who aren’t up on your critter-wrestlin’ tactics, let me tell you (and I’m sure ol’ Jimmy could back me up on this one), you go in mono y mono, or hand to hand. When the critter is larger than you, you gotta be able to sweep the critter’s legs and pull a sleeper hold in a minute flat or you’re done for. Critters ain’t too key on getting held down for too long.

Jimmy tells the rest of the story as if he was that historic Homer and he had a tale of Greek proportions.

Jimmy gets called to the ring. It’s a cage match and he’s realizing that maybe he should have worn something a little more sturdy than a hooded sweatshirt. But, on the other hand, it’s his lucky hooded sweatshirt (the same one that he’d first kissed his best gal and the same hooded sweatshirt that he was wearin’ when he got first pick for the A-team of corn pickers. That summer he and his team picked more fields of corn than any other team had in a decade.)

Jimmy squared off with the bear. The bear’s breath smelt of old cod fish. He thought that that was probably what the handlers were feeding the bears these days…they always treated the critters so good on wrestlin’ days.

But unlike other critters, Jimmy didn’t see any fear in this bear’s eyes. This bear was a machine, ready to wallop Jimmy in a major way. The crowd was roaring. Jimmy’s back was slick with sweat. He knew it he didn’t sweep this bear, he’d be done for quick.

Jimmy used his Kung Fu-style sweep, the same one that took down that elk, but the bear swatted at Jimmy’s face. The bear’s claws dug deep into his cheek and he began to bleed heavy. Now, if you knew a bear like that old handler knew these bears, you’d know that once a bear strikes blood, well…it’s all Jean Claude Van Damme on your patootee!

Jimmy lunged to the left side of the bear and jumped on the bear’s back, wrenching his arms around the bear’s neck.

“Think like Jake the Snake, think like Jake the Snake,” Jimmy chanted to himself. Slowly, the bear lowered to his knees. A ear splitting cheer erupted from the crowd.

Jimmy stood up defiantly, pumping his fists into the air. Jimmy was gonna get that prize money and take his best gal out for a full evening of go-kartin’.

“Whee!” Jimmy thought. He closed his eyes and reveled in the crowd’s cheers.

Suddenly, he heard a gasp. Then he felt it.

The bear had awoken, stood up and kicked (yes, literally kicked Jimmy) in the crotch. Jimmy doubled over and the bear pounced on him, wrestlin’ him relentlessly like he had with that sick mountain lion. A gang of handlers raced in to pull the bear off of ol’ Jimmy, but it was too late. The bear had successfully pulled a reverse sleeper hold and Jimmy was out for the count.

Jimmy recovered at his sister’s house. By late January, he was able to walk again. That bear had done a number on him. To make things worse, his best gal had started to date the old bear handler a week after the cage match.

Then, Jimmy’s world started to look bright again. He saw a poster for the Spring Hootenanny one day as he gettin’ a scoop of ice-cream from the local drug store. $trick9 and The Truth Crew were throwing the wildest Hootenanny’s this side of the Mississippi. And they were bringing some friends.

All of this was going down at the Des Moines Social Club on May 23rd around 9:00 pm. Oh, he was ready. He got his shoes out and started learning some dance moves from a VHS tape he’d had of MTV’s The Grind. Maggie May even showed him how to square dance and dosey-doe!

He knew, even with his bear claw scars and his bear-inflicted limp, he’d still be able to have a heckuva time at the Hootenanny. Maggie May is probably putting some good stitchin’ up in his best pair of overalls as you read this.