white poison industries

As I promised in the content of my lesson on the top 20 rules of being a lady, here are my  suggestions regarding undergarments. Spring is when we ditch the bulky layers and “slip into something more comfortable…” And those things should be stylish, pretty…and inexpensive.

There are even some here for the guys. Though never having been a man, I have less experience in the matter-but I HAVE heard enough opinions from ladies that I can at least give you guys a list of what NOT to wear. These I can assure you are valid – the things mentioned were brought up with snickers and giggles when they came into conversation….

Ladies:

1. Your bra and panties should always match or coordinate with each other and, if possible, the rest of your outfit.

2.Like the rest of your clothes, they need to FIT YOU. It doesn’t matter what size you can cram your ass into if it’s just going to cut off the circulation and leave marks. And buying a 34D bra isn’t that sweet if you don’t have the D’s to fill it-your own goods will get no support and you’ll be messing with the damn thing all day. The girls at Victoria’s Secret will happily measure you and tell you what size you really wear…trust me, your breasts (and boyfriends) will thank you when you defy the effects of gravity by providing ample support.

3.Unlike the rest of your clothes, it’s tacky of we can see your unmentionables over, or hanging out of, your clothes. You look like a tacky highschooler. Figure it out.

4. To help with #3…They now sell those bra strap holder things at Walgreens that hold your bra straps together so keep them out of view when you’re rocking a tank top. They really do make your girls ride higher, too! Buying “convertable” bras can help with this as well. And rearranging the straps is another way to improve the fit of your bra!

5.It is widely known that panty hose are really uncomfortable. They dig into even the smallest of waists, are annoying to pull off and on, and aren’t the least bit sexy. It’s also widely known that garter belts and stockings are the whacking material of no small number of the male population, so it can be assumed that they are, indeed sexy. They are also *gasp* very comfy. Get yourself a smooth garter belt (Hot Topic had them for about $6 around Valentines Day) and some thigh high stockings. Or even cut the panty off of  pair of panty hose and use the legs. After you get used to the messy putting them on part you’ll find that they are much more comfortable and don’t put lines under your clothes!

6.Just remember that if you wanna wear panties you should put them on after so you aren’t stuck unhooking the whole works when you go to the ladies’ room!

7.When they get old, throw them away! Bras don’t do their job and panties look beat when you’ve had them for a while. Especially if you don’t hand wash or use a lingerie bag or Woolite on the delicate cycle. I don’t have the time or inclination. instead, I wear them, love them, and when they look worn and loved I toss them.

8.if you are going to do that, DON’T buy expensive lingerie. Some girls need to in order to get bras that fit really well. For them I’d advise caring for these personal investments in a way listed above. Not me. So I get my frilly, lacy stuff at extreme sales (think Dillards….major quality but practically free!) or at less expensive stores. It doesn’t matter how much you paid, it’s about how it fits, looks, and feels!

9. Cheap undies = more fun. I used to spend a boatload on lingerie…but nothing kills the moment faster than ” Be careful with that!! It was expensive!!” Don’t confuse being a lady for being a priss. They are NOT the same!

10. If you are going to break the bank on a bra, here are a few ways to keep your delicates pretty. Hand wash, hang to dry. Or get a delicates bag and throw them in alone or in the gentle cycle with some Woolite. Don’t dry bras.  If you manage to stick to that routine everything will stay nice much longer. But I don’t have the patience.

Guys:

1. No Tighty Whities! Creepy gross factor is off the charts. Even brand new, junk cupping, perfection will still give us pause. So pause, then walk away, next time you decide to go there.

2. Now that we’ve addressed the most basic offense, you really have much less to think about here. Again, you don’t have to spend much money. Just make sure there are no holes and that they fit you well. Extra points if they aren’t too faded.

3. Boxers: they tend to come with silly patterns. That’s all well and good, but don’t forget the fact that I don’t want to be comically entertained by the sight of you with your pants off….If she’s laughing is that a good thing? I guess at least she’s there, and not crying, or roofied, but still….

4. Boxer briefs: better. Again, no holes, not too faded, and they aren’t briefs, so that’s awesome….

5. Commando. I don’t know how the whole works works out in there, but if you can swing it you manage to really just avoid all the potential pitfalls of underwear. And if I’m going to be outsmarted by a boy, this would be the time and place where I’m least likely to complain…..

6. Socks: they should match. And be the color that they were when your mom gave them to you for Christmas.