white poison industries

I guess I should introduce myself. Yes, my name is Humpty and yes I got busy in a Burger King bathroom and a McDonalds, Subway, Waffle House and a Chic Filet. What can I say? I like food with my sex.
I’m the other half of fullbodycast, the good looking Tom Selleck half. Well, that’s if Magnum ate Higgins and half of TC. Seeing that Kyle had posted his ten best films of ’08, I thought I should be the Wife to his McMillan, the Strategery to his Dignitude and do my ten worst films of ’08. And boy o’ boy do we have plenty to pick from.
I should preface this list with a warning.
CAUTION: The following may contain spoilers. If you haven’t seen any of these films consider yourself lucky and do not, I repeat do not attempt to watch them at home. Leave it to the professionals.
Now that we got that out of the way let me say that a few of these films I have not seen, but have read and heard from plenty of others (whose opinion I hold high) that they stink on ice. I also have something that a lot of people anymore are lacking; common fucking sense. If it looks bad, don’t go see it! If someone says that it’s horrible, it’s probably worse than when you caught your parents making whoopee. Some things you can’t un-see!
I am also rating them on a One to Five scale. The higher the number the more kicks to the daddy parts I would rather endure than to watch the film. Did I forget anything? No. Good. Let’s get started.

10. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – Wow, what a disappointment! I am a huge fan boy of the Indy films; I just finished the Lego Indiana Jones videogame last night. Maybe it was the fact that everyone had it in their minds that it would be just like the others and had built it up so large in their minds that it was sure to fall short of expectations.
There were just too many of the George Lucas “I have a computer that can do that better” shots for me. Indy is an analog character and there were too many George Lucas “I have a computer that can do that” shots in the film. Fuck the jungle sword fight and double fuck the swinging through it like Tarzan.
Rating: 1 kick to the crotch. Since that’s what it felt like while I watched my hero miss the mark on screen. Thanks George, Thanks Steve.

9. Star Wars: The Clone Wars – Oh, George you made the list twice. Well, so have two others but, I expected more from you. I did go into this with low expectations but I wanted to see it in digital and marvel at how far computer animation has come since The Minds Eye videos. Great picture, beautiful in some shots but the story lacks. I know it’s a set up for the television series but come on Ziro the Hutt? His voice sounds like he belongs in an old Walt Disney cartoon not a franchise film that is supposed to be serious! The last ten minutes of the film was just thrown in to put an end to the story. I know I’m a nerd.
Rating: 1 kick to my Jawas please. I heard Cloned Whores was much more satisfying.

8. Jumper – Being a fan of superhero movies and of Sam Jackson. I did go into this film a little cautious. I had not heard great things but was still willing to give it a shot at least just to see how they did the visuals. Those were pretty interesting and I like the take on the whole teleportation thing. What I didn’t like was the fact that this film had no heart, the big showdown between Sam “Bad Mother Fucker” Jackson and Hayden Christensen never happens and we find out Diane Lane is going to “hunt” him in a big setup for a sequel that will probably never get made. If it does it will be by the Sci-Fi channel. Did I mention she is his mother? Yeah, what the fuck!?
Rating: 2 kick to the goodies please. This film falls short and racks me on the hurdles.

7. Run Fatboy Run – Good Simon Pegg, Good Hank Azaria. I just can’t enjoy this film knowing it was directed by David Schwimmer my least favorite friend. Let’s face it I fucking hate Ross and to me this film just shows me that David Schwimmer wasn’t acting as Ross he really is a whiney, inconsiderate, annoying human being. Hell, he even ruined an episode of Band of Brothers for me. Unfortunately it shows up in the film and even Simon Pegg can’t save it.
Rating: 2 kicks to the family jewels. Fuck David Schwimmer, Fuck him up his stupid ass! (Jay and Silent Bob reference)

6. Untraceable – Once again Diane Lane, you have angered a man that enjoys your whole catalog of work, Unfaithful. Actually this is your third film that starts with Un. Is your next film going to be Uno? A film based on the family card game until something goes horribly wrong and your family is attacked by a mob of kill…… Okay, okay it wasn’t her fault this film sucks. It wasn’t Colin Hanks fault either, don’t worry kid you’ll never be as good as your dad but, I did enjoy your acid bath. The problem with this film was that the twist came in about a quarter to half way through the film. What the hell? It’s supposed to be towards the end. Haven’t you seen an M. Night Shymalamadingdong film?
Rating: 3 kicks to the jollies. This film was like watching porn on 56k.

5. Witless Protection – Okay see above comment about having common sense. I didn’t even go near this movie. I wouldn’t even see a movie in the same theatre that this was showing in. I couldn’t go see a movie for two days because I think that’s all it was released for. If you have seen it, shame on you, you are part of the problem. You’re the reason they keep making these abominations of the film gods.
Rating: 3 uppercuts to my twig and berries. I might have watched it if I were deaf dumb and blind. But I probably would have been playing pinball.

4. War Inc. – What a steaming pile of feces this is. I want to know who had an agenda in this film. Was it the Director, Actors or all who were involved? Even though I hate him with every fiber in my being, when I walk into a Michael Moore film I know what I am going to get. At first I was chalking the film up to a satire and was hoping it was just that. Nope, wrong!! This film throws away an excellent cast. When I heard about it I thought it would be a sequel to the great Gross Point Blank since many of the players were involved. Nope, wrong!! It’s not funny and tried to tell us through this not funny world that America is a horrible thing. If I wanted that I would have gone to see Sicko.
Rating: 4 thumps to my daddy lumps. Damn you Hollywood, Damn you!

3. The Happening – First it was Al Gore making a film to try and scare you about climate change and then it was M. Night Shymalamadingdong. Marky Mark talks to an effing plant! And I thought Aquaman was lame!? Instead of investing the two hours of my life I would never get back in this film I watched porn instead. The rest of the 115 minutes I took a nap.
Rating: 4 stomps with your carbon foot print to my Polar Bears. Say hi to your mother for me…..

2. Meet the Spartans/ Disaster Movie – I know a lot of film makers in and around the Des Moines area. I also know one personally, me. One thing that I totally missed the fucking boat on is how Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer were given jobs in Hollywood. The better question is; how are they staying in Hollywood? Do you have no idea on who they are? Here’s a hint: Epic Movie & Date Movie. Sweet merciful Christ!
I have watched some local films that are six minutes long and made in two days on a budget of Twinkies and pizza that have more merit than what these two assholes have made their entire careers. Why do these guys get picked? Who are they sleeping with? Who do I need to sleep with? Who is Selma Hayek sleeping with? Can it be me? Do I have to be like these guys if I want to make it big? Well fuck that! I would rather stay here and make films with talented people and not get paid for it than having a chance to be like these two ass hats.
Oh yeah, one more thing. Some have said that these guys are the next Zucker Brothers (Airplane, Naked Gun, and BASEketball). I say this, why don’t you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself! These two fucktards should go back to the hot rock they were shit on.
Rating: 5 Striker, Striker, Strikers to my big white Tylenols. Hey, you know what they say… See a broad, to get that booty yak ‘em. Leg ‘er down ‘n smack ‘em yak ‘em. Cold got to be. You know? Shiiiiit.

1. In the Name of the King/ Postal – UWE BOLL IS AN ABOMINATION! HE DESERVES TO BE…
(The rest of this rant has been censored by the Administrators at White Poison Industries. We can tell you that part of it involved extreme sexual violence with a rusty monkey wrench and someone winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Thank you.) AND BLOW IT OUT HIS ASS!!!
Rating: 6 swift kicks by a mule and a purple nurple. Fun Fact: I really, really, really hate Uwe Boll.

There you go, a long winded explanation on why I hated these ten films (Twelve if you count the doubled up ones). We have shared some tears and laughter since the beginning of this post. I hope you enjoyed it because I know that I haven’t. Make sure you listen to fullbodycast (new chapter coming out soon, very soon!). Take care. CHOPE is coming………