white poison industries

Last night, Captain P and I ended up in a discussion that invoked a bit of further thinking. On NYE, we noticed a lot of hippie chics at this killer party we were at. Captain P loves a good hippie chic, mostly due to being quite the naturalist himself. At any rate, our discussion side-tracked on how to kick it with a hippie chic and we both came to the conclusion that cheeseburgers would have to be involved.

Now, I should mention that we’re talking about very specific form of hippie chics. Lady hippies are commonly seen in a variety of types, from granola packing hippies dressed from head to toe in wool to hippies that dress themselves in vintage party dresses, still keeping a little hemp in view. (This is known as hemp cleavage and it’s a major turn-on for many male hippies.)

Also, these are stereotypes, so hippies, please keep your booing to a minimum. For all practical purposes, we all know that you can’t feed a hippie a cheeseburger, so consider this a theoretical discourse and then we can all go back to the drum circle.

For the purposes of this discussion, we’re referring to the free spirit hippie chics. You know, the ones that would probably paint their faces completely white with talcum powder and spend the evening spinning in circles or staring at candle flames. (From our estimation, this is because Central Iowa enjoys gratuitous amounts of narcotics, which are  a staple in the hippie diet. Think breakfast, lunch, PCP, dinner…)

Keying in on one specific hippie chic, who appeared to sway as if her invisible hula hoop was going for the gold, Captain P began to hypothesize on how to lure her out for a cheeseburger. We concluded you’d simply need to extend the invitation, but the specific cheeseburger establishment would ultimately seal the deal, so it is critical that you carefully plan where to get the cheeseburger from, which will ultimately lead to you kicking it will a free-spirited hippie chic.

So, we now present the Top 8 Places to Take a Hippie for a Cheeseburger*

Hippies *heart Cheeseburgers

(As a side note, we estimate that vegan hippies under the influence of strong narcotics or at least massive amounts of kind goodness will be easily swayed to try a cheeseburger, so no thought was taken into whether the following establishments provide vegan cheeseburger options. Again, if you’re a hippie who’s beginning to become aggravated by this discussion, please walk away from your computer for a few minutes, sit in a corner and stroke your patchwork fanny pack until you calm down.)

1. Chili’s Neighborhood Grill – Chili’s makes the cut because they serve over-sized burgers and as many hippie chics are underweight, its not just a kind gesture to fill a hippie chic up with a Big Mouth Burger, its a necessity.

2. B-Bop’s - Hippies love reflecting on the past and drive-through fast food establishments are iconic. Plus, the food is cheap and the lingering odor smells great, so long after the hippie chic finishes her cheeseburger, you can continue to enjoy the experience as the smell of greasy hamburgers mix with the natural aroma of incense waifing off of your special lady. (As a side note, this is also a reason to help your hippie girlfriend get a job at B-Bop’s.)

3. Maxie’s – If you’re looking for a sit-down meal in a fine dining establishment, look no further than Maxie’s. Like B-Bop’s, Maxie’s mixes historic tradition of great food with an awesome environment. Hippie chics will feel at home at Maxie’s, almost like you’ve brought them to your mom’s house and mom is ready to serve some great home cooking. Also, Maxie’s isn’t too far from a Frisbee golf course, which we all know hippies love.

4. B&B Grocery & Deli – B&B is possibly the finest deli in Iowa. (Yes, I said it…in all of Iowa.) This is not an overstatement. B&B cooks up the finest meats around. Their menu includes a Killer Hamburger, which you know will be good.

5. Drake Diner – Hippies love the Drake neighborhood. Actually, hippies just love neighborhoods, in general. Regardless, the Drake Diner cooks up great cheeseburgers and in the evening, they keep the lights really low, your your hippie companion will feel very comfortable wolfing down a yummy cheeseburger. Yum! (This feels 18% less like an attack on hippies when I use funny words like “Yum!”, doesn’t it?)

6. Iowa Castle – Just the notion of a medieval structure in the heartland will boggle a hippie’s mind. The Iowa Castle  has some great food and once served beer. They may still serve beer, but its been ages since I’ve been able to wrangle a hippie into getting a cheeseburger. So, if that has changed, beware. Also, its on Clive’s main drag, which means that Clive’s Finest will be patrolling and if you get pulled over, curl up into a fetal position before you get kicked by the Blue’s combat boots. Better idea, don’t drive a vehicle with a dancing bear window sticker. (Carjack or hot wire a Town & Country minivan and you should be good to go.)

7. Ocean Beach Fries - The OB is in Merle Hay Mall. Don’t let this dissuade you from making the trip. Sure, you’ll be sitting in a food court, eating your cheeseburger, but OB also has nearly 30 types of flavor toppings for their French fries…and that alone is enough for the pilgrimage.

8. Manhattan Deli – OK, Manhattan Deli isn’t really a cheeseburger joint, but with the copious amounts of hallucinogens the typically hippies ingest, you can take a hippie damn near anywhere and feed them damn near anything and they’ll believe its a cheeseburger. Try the Patriot sandwich, which includes turkey and some other stuff, because its delicious.

Honorable Mentions: A&W, Wendy’s, Your place with a George Foreman Grill
- A few other establishments should be noted. A&W is pretty cool. Wendy’s serves square patties and nothing beats bringing home a hippie chic and firing up the old George Foreman, which is probably your best bet. Try not to ever spend more than $4.50 on a hippie.